the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba