Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.