i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.