My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
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Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Haha good job!!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries