One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
6. me as a lawyer
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?