Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
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People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
This classic never gets old . . .
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
umm…
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.