Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
You Might Also Like
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
checking out some reviews of my local library
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.