Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.