we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
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The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.