A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.