me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had