I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
You Might Also Like
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”