Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
#Caturday
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*