Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.