[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.