This may be my favorite dog video ever.
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.