tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
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if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.