If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.