“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
You Might Also Like
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.