If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
never compromise your values
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
RT if you know someone like this!!!
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card