Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player