No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.