During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up