Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Bike is short for Bichael.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope