One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”