Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I need to update my racial profile.