Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
You Might Also Like
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Milk Cube
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken