My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”