My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
You Might Also Like
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 馃槵
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it鈥檚 the pilot and cabin crew.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The worst fight I鈥檝e ever been in is with Clingwrap.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.