fair
You Might Also Like
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Comparing yourself to others
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828