DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back