Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Autocorrect completely socks
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!