wow he looks just like him
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I’m having an out of money experience.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!