The only equipped I am is ill.
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]