Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.