Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.