My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.