Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?