I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love