NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You Might Also Like
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror