purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
2022: I can fix it
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.