‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Breaking news:
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.