Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.