I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Candles never taste the way they smell
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]