I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Sign of the day..
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this