Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
anyone else like Italian cereal
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this