I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.