Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
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Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].