I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.