My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell